Okay so January 1 was not the start of the week. But it was the start of something.
This year, I want to be more mindful and aware of myself, my life, and those in it. When reflecting back on 2015, I realized that there are entire days, and weeks even, from which I have no memories. I looked through instagram, through this blog (of which Ellie has entirely written), and through my Strava running data. For some points, these reminders triggered memories, however, many black spots still remain when I think of last year. 2015 was not unique. The same is true for many years and many points in my life.
I don’t entirely know what to make of these black spots. Do I have no memories because nothing was memorable? Was I simply living in the present and not forming long term memories? I’m uncertain how I should judge myself. Sometimes I see them as a fault; sometimes I see them as a part of life. Either way, I feel a bit sad. It makes me think that perhaps I’m floating along without intention or awareness.
I haven’t thought of a solution. Maybe I need to stop working so much and stop letting work dominate my thoughts and emotions. Maybe I need to stop running to deal with stress. Maybe I need to care more about my relationships (with both myself and the people around me) than with how successful or accomplished I am. Probably all of the above.
I ended 2015 in place of reflection. I’ve been unsatisfied for a while. I usually blame it on work. But as I closed out the year, I began to realize the obvious that it has a lot more to do with how I manage my emotions and interact with the world than it does with what it is I am doing. For a long time now, I’ve tried doing different things (I’ve changed my job every year since graduating from college), but a sense of satisfaction and peace elude me. There are moments when I find them. Ellie and the girls are certainly my anchor here, but I don’t always find them from within.
So, without much a plan or well-defined goal, I’m setting out this year attempting to be more mindful and aware. Attempting to find some satisfaction and peace with myself. In an effort to do so, I’m going to attempt writing a post here each Sunday reflecting back on my week. I don’t entirely know why, but I feel like this will help.
New years eve came and went with a low-key night at home with the girls. In the morning, I woke early and snuck out to grab coffee and finish grading my end of semester exams. At home, we milled about and played for a while. I worked on the new dinning room table I’m building. At nap, I headed out for a speed work out around Berkley Lake. On the way home, I grabbed the ingredients for a yummy cake to bring to Will and Vals for dinner. So excited for their twins!
On Saturday we spent the day with our good college friend Eric Schneider. Eric is a professor in London, so we don’t see each other much any more. We do have the good fortunate to live near where he grew up and are blessed to see him every time he comes home. We spent the day eating good food, sharing good conversation, and walking at Lair O’ the Bear. Also on Saturday, I woke at 4:00A to get my long run in. Ran 22 miles on the Cherry Creek trail. Feel strong and healthy in the early season training.
Today has also been low key. Lily and I woke before Ellie and Lu. We shared tea and chatted for a bit. She’s becoming ever more the conversationalist. She recounted her dreams and how she see saw a t-shirt dancing, which she retold laughing hysterically. The remainder of the day was spent on chores and housework. Our dishwasher has been out of commission for over a month now with a clogged disposal line. I finally took the time to replace it. Washing dishes by hand when you eat slowly like we do is a pain in the ass. So glad to that baby back up and running.
Monday – Easy run — 3.4 miles
Tuesday – Tempo work out – 6.2 miles
Wednesday – Off
Thursday – Apex with Will – 8 miles
Friday – Speed work – 7.5 miles
Saturday – Long run – 22 miles
— Hike at Lair O the Bear – 3.4 mile
Sunday — Off
Right now I’m listening to Billy Joel and M. Ward on repeat. I can’t get enough of them.
Currently reading my way through the Economist’s The World in 2016. Interesting to see their predictions for what the world will be like in 2016.
Pictures from the week: